Bed time #2

Happy March 6th! 

Today after having a hellish ordeal with antibiotics and being in and out of the bathroom for a couple hours, I had a complete cry fest. What’s new?

Luckily one of my co workers spilled the beans about me being promoted, and that turned my frown upside down. I am super pumped for my new position! Wowza. What a day!

I’m not nearly as sad as I was yesterday, sure I broke down in front of some of my closest friends, and just cried…thats all it was. It was me being sick and losing my voice, and just feeling like shit from the antibiotics that I previously threw up. 

Bed time #1

5 March2013

I worked my first time on the night shift. March has been a rough month for me since 2011. Losing someone to suicide felt like my heart was breaking. For anyone who hasn’t gone through it, I pray you never have to.

It’s March. I didn’t realize that March would be so rough. Other people have been affected by suicide, and it’s come up in the daily habits of making sure everyone is okay by the end of the day. Whether its a close friend, a husband, a dad, a brother, a sister, a mom…whoever it is in your life who left you. I know how you feel. I sympathize, empathize. I feel the pain in your heart, and I feel the tears on your face. I feel the heaviness in your lungs when you try to take a deep breath and smile. I feel it. I feel it all. I feel you shutting down, and I feel your walls come up. I see you force a smile on, and get through your day. I see you cling on to your friend and tell them their day will get better.

Your day will get better. If you have to literally go minute by minute to make it through your day, then do it. If all the bad memories come flooding back, please remember the good ones. Remember the amazing ones, and don’t let the images repeat in your head. Just remember the good times. Remember the smiles, the jokes, the little favors that helped you get through your day, when they were hurting on the inside.

Please don’t feel guilty for this life that you’re living. You were meant to go through tragedy and you were meant to help people feel better. Be the example of light in this dark world.

“if you’d accept surrender
I’ll give up some more
weren’t you adored
I cannot be without you
matter of fact
I’m on your back”

Oh hey there red flag…
Are you telling me to stop?
Oh hey red flag

“i’m an invisible disaster

i keep trying to walk but my feet don’t find the solid ground
it’s like living in a bad dream
i keep trying to scream but my tongue has finally lost its sound

I’ve got to say goodbye
to the pieces of me that have already died

i’m a ghost
haunting these halls
climbing these walls that i never knew were there
and i’m lost
broken down the middle of my heart, heart
i’m broken down the middle of my heart, heart, heart”

As the Sparrow

To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.
I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.

Charles Bukowski